Kindness and Cooperation: Lessons in Daily Living

We so often hear that "boys will be boys", particularly if the phrase is being offered as an excuse for episodes of bad behavior. Girls can also be mean. And so can parents be mean, as well as people of an adult age who do not have children. How much mean-spiritedness are we modeling for our children and youth? If we see our child behave badly, do we step in and say something, or hang back, because it is too much trouble?

We hear so much in the news about bullying, and there have lately been many tragic consequences. We wonder at the decline in civilized behavior, and we comment on how "those other people" should behave (whomever "they" are).

But, here is a news flash, people: we are all "them".

Kindness is a blessing, but generally not a natural gift to most people, although I have met some people who are, I think, naturally kind in every encounter. Meeting the embodiment of kindness and generosity is edifying and humbling for me.  Hopefully this is true for everyone, but perhaps not; many merely take someone else's kindness for granted. Some people meet kindness and generosity believing that is a form of weakness, and feel free (or obliged) to take advantage; little do they realize that they are the losers in such an exchange.

In a world of kindness, there is no pecking order, no top-down authority; all are equal and respected in the eyes of the observer. A world of kindness requires a specific type of engagement with the world: mutual attentiveness between any two people. Martin Buber characterized this beautifully in his book I and Thou:

The primary word I-Thou can be spoken only with the whole being. Concentration and fusion into the whole being can never take place through my agency, not can it ever take place without me. I become through my relation to the Thou; and as I become the I, I say Thou. All real living is meeting.

What he means, of course, is that real living requires that two or more engage in an activity; it takes two to tango. If one can acknowledge another, meeting that person as an equal and actively engaging in relationship, even if that relationship is only a simple transaction at the grocery store, or cars merging on the freeway, or a game at the park, that meeting is where life happens. Transcendence occurs in every action between individuals who engage to solve a problem.

In the same vein, Aldous Huxley says of love:

There isn't any formula or method. You learn to love by loving - by paying attention and doing what one thereby discovers has to be done.

You could easily substitute the words "live" for "love" and "living" for "loving".

What is suggested is a type of ongoing education. Goodness and compassion may not be natural, but they can be learned and taught. Teaching goodness and compassion is every bit an attentive action as that meeting that Buber describes and that love that Huxley wrote about. And it requires more than yelling across the park "hey, quit picking on that kid!"

If we want to teach our children well, we cannot avert our eyes and mouth worn phrases like "boys will be boys"--that is inattention at its most self-contained and in complete disregard for "what needs to be done."

If we want to teach kindness, we must recognize and be humbled by our own capacity for meanness. If we can do that, the next step is to engage with our children honestly about meanness and its consequences, about the inattention that leads to disregard or objectification, and likewise about attention leading to mutual engagement and problem solving.

That mutual learning experience is where life really happens; it elevates the everyday world and lifts people up.

But life is all about choices; living life attentively, with kindness and compassion, is a choice, like any other. People are not the isolated beings they like to think they are; we cannot live for ourselves alone. We live in a world that faces destruction if we do not fit ourselves into the picture that is so much bigger than ourselves, and turn our attention to solving the problems we have created from a position of selfishness. An integral world demands mutual integrity; every day introduces the opportunity for a new lesson.

Integral life must be thought of as a continuing journey in the practice of kindness and cooperation.

May we learn from our mistakes and teach our children well.

Ever After

Ceaselessly on call;

the days manage to compress
ever more duties
into action frenzies,
punctuated by dreamless sleep.

To find the lost,
feed the hungry,
remind and retrain,
to do unto others as self,
but selflessly and never for self,
to fix the broken,
mend the torn,
clean the mess others made,
to be undermined at all turns,
to fit my roundness
into the chipped square concept
of someone else:

This is my world.

But, even so,
the breeze still blows
that calls me
to the foot of the Throne,
where thither I am drawn
by strands of silken thought.

There, golden Sapientia
blinds me with her brilliance,
but, in her mercy,
sings to me songs of

finding hidden treasure,
feeding the flock,
teaching and remembering the Story,
giving through doing and being love,
repairing the breach,
cleansing the temple,
falling and surrendering,
yet to rise again
as a shining light.

She says,
O daughter of Zion,
these gifts I grant
especial to you;
you are among the few
capable gardeners of Eden;
If not you, who?
Serve and be fulfilled.

And so,
from the Throne Room
I return
to my small cell,
the room not quite my own,
to begin the day anew,
to ply the ever after,
to properly tend the garden,
that the young shoots
will grow into trees,
to bloom and be fruitful,
fit homes for birds
whose songs will lull me
to my needed rest.

© 2010 by Elisabeth T. Eliassen

Off to a rainy patch for a bit of soggy singing, about water, trees and life.  Back on Monday. Have a good weekend!

Everyperson, Equal Access and Perpetual War Economy

Justice is a loaded word. Everyone wants justice, even if they don’t know all the meanings and implications of the word, as if it is a product that can be purchased. Mostly, when people use the term justice, they are referencing it from the standpoint of equitable treatment and equal access. The democratic essence of our American republic is founded on the notion of such an equality.

And yet, justice, in this sense of equality, is not a reality, only a dream and a political buzz word.

Everyday, when I relate some mundane happening, and how it affected me, I hear reflected back from others, “oh, yes—that happened to me a while ago. I know how you feel.” And I believe those persons do have an idea how I feel. And when others tell me their stories, I believe I know how they feel. We are all unique individuals, but we also share the same capacities for existential experience, the same needs and feelings, the same desire for recognition, inclusion, acceptance, exchange, respect and dignity. If you have ever met anyone who does not share these things with you, I would love to hear about it. I have never met anyone who is other than me or you, in these respects. One could generalize: we are each an Everyperson, and we are each stymied in some aspect of acquiring justice, as in equality, that ideal everyone talks about so vividly.

Too bad there is no such thing as justice. Oh, yes, justice could be attained or enacted or even enforced where it has been enacted. Justice is possible; but there are some persons who do not believe that Everyperson should have it. There are some persons who don’t believe that Everyperson should believe in anything, behave in any fashion, or appear in any way other than do they. There are some persons who will pretend that others do not share the same capacities for existential experience as they have. And some of those persons won’t allow others the same access to the good things in life that they themselves possess, even if what they have is so much that it could not possibly be used up.

When We the Everypersons ask for equal access to healthcare, for example, we are continually rebuffed by folks who tell us that this is not possible because it is too expensive and there is not enough money. How facile that response! It has been suggested by various organizations that the entire amount of the annual budget of the U.S. Department of Defense, not even including the nuclear weapons program, could provide clean water, access to healthcare and food for the entire world. And yet, we are led to believe this money is best spent perpetuating wars that bring anything but justice, or peace, to the places where they are waged.

I would suggest that if money were invested in people, that is Everyperson, rather than weapons—for the cultivation of healthy food, the provision of basic housing, the assurance that drinking water is clean and available, the insuring, not underwriting, of access to healthcare delivery—“that war would be no more”, in the words of the beloved spiritual.

Yes, I know, my argument is facile also. I know that I cannot convince the world’s wealthiest persons or their lobbyists or their muscle or their bought-and-paid-for politicians that this is the heart of justice; what I suggest comes between them and their right to do business. But the truth is, there is no shortage of money; there is more than enough money, indeed, there are persons who have more money than they know what to do with—there is plenty of money with which to do all the wrong things, such as parting Everypersons unjustly and inequitably from their earnings as often and soon as possible, with little redress from any governing body that should provide oversight and protection in such matters, and polluting the planet with toxic garbage and nuclear weapons.

Why can't all this money be spent on the right things? Not only would it be better spent, but I think it would be cheaper than all this other nonsense. And there would be so many more hero/ines that we could venerate!

Change will only occur when there is a willingness on the part of those few persons, controlling the majority of the money, to accept the validity and equality and rights of Everyperson to those of themselves. When their actions speak otherwise, as they do everyday when millions of Everypersons are denied access to the basic protections, much less the basic quality of life necessities, it seems clear that these other persons particularly want a world full of illiterate, impoverished, starving and dying people to control.

This is injustice.

This is unthinkable.

But I ask you to think on it, particularly while you are preparing to vote in the upcoming election.

I also commend to you the United Nations Millennium Development Goals.

And check out the PowerPoint presentation at www.miniature-earth.org

Forest or Trees

Deeper into the forest of books go I,
but less seem to learn of them;
the thickets of words, veritable mazes,
of which depth is oft proclaimed,
soon wear out their glib welcome
and inevitably thin to the same weedy patch,
wet and reedy, murky and muddled,
that I have explored before
--but I desire more.

The in-depth studies, the colorful analogs,
the structured cases resemble less
the actual beauty of the forest or the tree
--and I desire more.

The universe smiles wearily at my dilemma,
the untamed wilderness yawns lazily at my feet,
and the wild unknown beckons me toward its reality
--and I desire its shore.

Didn't she know? they sigh, sharing their inward smile,
experience trumps book-learning, every time;

Desire, bared upon the open shore,
shall most surely find more.

© 2010 by Elisabeth T. Eliassen

Written while lucid dreaming in 2008. Reading is a passion of mine; “so many books, so little time” is such an apt description of me that it is alarming (especially when you know that I have as many books in the garage as I have in the house…). But, the forest beckons, as does the beach. And the Buddha's best sermon was a flower in his hand.

Siren Songs

Siren songs,
like scintillating sonnets,
sound forth from the frothy seas,
which, having served me up
onto the sands of unknown shores
(from some depth of great distress),
impart a Sibylline significance:
you are a mystery
we do not understand;
as such, you are a blessing,
and your silence in our depths
will not suffice,
so go forth,
see, sing, speak
—reveal what beauty is yours

in the world,

and be lost from it

no more.

© 2010 by Elisabeth T. Eliassen

(A reply to Kafka)

A View from the Garden

A butterfly sails quietly over sun-dappled leaves;

barely a whisper she makes in her journey,
but what the breeze sings while it lifts her.

The humming bird chooses this moment to land,
and, with wings stilled, looks lovingly at the world,
feeling a stillness from which to find revel in new flights.

Sun sends slant soft warming rays to caress all cares,
in this, the last flowering of summer's bloom,
known to us as the rosy blush of ripening autumn.

Summer has flown south to make way for winter chill;
the geese have all regained their far distant homing place,
while here the squirrels fidget and fuss over their winter pantries.

Small hands reach forward and up, fingers lovingly outstretched
to belovenly stroke tree trunks and the leaves in their turning,
waving with imploding delight when a leaf offers itself as an unexpected gift.

In this light more subdued, quiet calls one, upward and away,
to ponder the mysteries of our slow yet steady revolutions,
and to wonder why each moment could not be as perfectly serene as this.

© 2010 by Elisabeth T. Eliassen

Reuse, Renew, Recycle--and make someone happy!

It was a project that started last winter. My portion of it began in the Spring, collecting miniature sewing kits, notions, needles, thread, buttons, thimbles and used pharmacy prescription bottles (washed thoroughly) from members of our congregation. Scraps of fabric, hair rollers, thread, gallons of glue and 4 months later, there they were, 60 of them, and a few extra (just in case).

What were these things? Well, I took all those ingredients (with the help of a few little elves that reside at my house) and turned them into miniature, decoupage decorated sewing kits.

These kits were added to handmade ditty bags, along with hand knit wool caps and scarves, soaps, playing cards, postcards, candy, chewing gum, calling cards and holiday greetings, collected, donated or made by children and adults at our parish.

What in the world?

This was an outreach effort made by members of our church, Christ Episcopal Church in Alameda, CA, to benefit the seafarers on two ships that will dock at the Port of Oakland this month. These gifts were blessed by this morning by our Interim Rector, The Rev. Anne Jensen and our congregation. This labor of love has been handed over to the Port of Oakland office of SCI, The Seaman's Church Institute, and thirty bags will be given by the Port of Oakland SCI Chaplain, The Rev. James Lindgren, to the captains of the two ships our Church has "adopted." The bags will be gifted to the seafarers on board these vessels on Christmas morning. This is actually a nationwide effort that involves churches and other groups, all over the country, for the benefit of seafarers on many ships.

Well, there you have it. A fun little project. Honestly, a huge little project. We were painting layers of glue onto these bottles for weeks. And I was shifting bags and boxes of supplies all over our house for months.

How to make the sewing kits, and particularly such details as what kind of container to use and what the size should be, were fun puzzles to figure out. (My husband thought I was crazy to use foam curlers, which I wound sewing thread on, and wrapped my felt swatch of pins and needles around. It all fits so nicely in the pharmacy bottles.)  And then, you spend the time crafting the items, assembling all the little bits and pieces (more than you imagined when you started the project), and happily deliver them, somewhat relieved that they are all done, and you can finally use the dining room table again. Whew!

About midweek, I received a call from Adrienne Yee, one of the Outreach Coordinators at our church, and also Bay Area Development Director for the SCI Oakland Center. She said that everyone was thrilled with the design of the sewing kits... so much so that they want to make it a model for the nation-wide effort! An article appears about this on the SCI blog entitled The Knit Before Christmas.

What a thrill! You do your thing, offer your time and talent, make a gift and pass it on. You never think that what you are doing is all that different or special, and then something like this happens.

The most important part of this, for me, is the renewal of something someone used and would have thrown away, or maybe recycled. There are many things we use that are needlessly added to landfill. What if we could take some of these things and extend their life cycle of usefulness by turning them into art objects?

A thing of beauty is a joy, and if it is something you made, what a gift! Why, it is bound to make someone happy!

So, I say thanks to the Seaman's Church Institute for their Christmas At Sea program, and our Outreach Commission for engaging our church in this labor of love.

Good wishes and blessings and Heavenly protection to all Seafarers, who labor on ships across the wide oceans and seas.

And to all you crafty crafters out there, keep on inventing! You never know how far it will go!